Jester and the New Broom

Jester wants the Fat Controller back!

He had his faults, I’ll concede that, but I’ve now realised he had his good points too. I may have thought his cheery, fellow well met, let’s be friends approach was insincere but at least he was prepared to make the effort to appear friendly. And he spoke to jesters; he sometimes even had a kind word for the minions. He was a West Ham fan, which, although it may seem a bit of a handicap to some, must qualify him to be a member of the human race. Lastly, and I’m being brutally honest here, he had a face you could laugh at. Nasty, I know, but it does count as a good point.

So, I know I used to say he was a

but now I’m beginning to see him through rose tinted spectacles and in my mind’s eye (now sporting a bit of a nostalgic tear), he looks more like:

Anyhow, compared to what has replaced him, he is a cross between Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandela. I mean he may have looked like a Sontaran (crossed with Mad Eye Moody and Kryten from Red Dwarf) but deep, deep down, I think we all had no doubts as to his underlying humanity.

I can’t say that for his replacement. What has replaced him? Well, she looks human. She’s quite small, looks in her thirties, has blond hair cut in a bob. I’m pretty certain, however, that she is a Dalek in disguise.

There is a classic moment at the end of Genesis of the Daleks, arguably one of the best Doctor Who stories ever. The Daleks have killed the Kaled elite and then killed Davros’ number two, Nyder. Now you will have to forgive me here because my memory is not exact but I think the following a a pretty faithful transcript. Davros says to the Daleks, “Have you no pity?” and one of the Daleks replies, “Pity? That work is not in our vocabulary banks.” Now, unless I’m mistaken, that very same Dalek is now the Fat Controller’s successor. The word “pity” is not in her vocabulary banks. Neither are the words “please” and “thank you”.

She is rude. She never speaks to Jesters or even our immediate line managers. Last week, she interrupted a meeting (more on meetings later) without so much as a by your leave, knock on the door or excuse me. She then ordered (I won’t use the words ask or request here, the question mark is not in her punctuation banks) some figures for a meeting she was going to attend from our senior manager. I am sure that my presence and that of Goodwill Jessica, who were also in the meeting, did not register on her [Nestene] consciousness.

She is also ruthless. I have already mentioned that she has been heard to say that Jesters who fail to adhere to FSA Regulations (in our case, sending out “20″ and “40 day letters”) should be sacked. She has also been heard to say that Jesters who fail to meet their targets (i.e. close a certain number of complaints a day) should be kept in work until they do. I’m not sure this would work. Most of the jesters are pretty mutinous now anyway so it could be interesting to see what would happen if she tried to enforce this bizarre idea.

I have been agonising for a while now about what name to give her (I would not be so foolish as to use her own name in this blog) but I have decided while writing this particular blog on a name that I think will suit her. So, henceforth she will be known as Dalek Caan. I would also like to end on a lighter note, if at all possible, and one that I think my fellow jesters would appreciate. While I was looking for pictures of Daleks to illustrate this blog, I found the following picture. A fitting end for a true Super Villain. Enjoy!

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