Jester, Pennywise and Frayed Tempers

Tempers have been frayed in the Dark Satanic Mill for the past few weeks. It all started when Pennywise returned to work after a long period of sickness. When I came into work on 28th August, he was sat at his desk (just behind mine for the first couple of weeks) as if he had never been away. Okay, I wasn’t expecting sackcloth and ashes (although it would have been an edifying sight) but the jaunty cheeriness of his bearing was irritating.

It didn’t take long for our fellow jesters (including me) to notice that he seemed to be back to his old tricks again. He spent an inordinate amount of time playing around with Excel Spreadsheets. Now I love Excel and could spend hours messing about with it but I don’t have the gall to sit there playing around with Spreadsheets when I should be closing complaints. He does.

After one too many jesters had noticed this, somebody told his Team Manager. He also started asking colleagues to make courtesy calls to customers because he had not been able to ring them before leaving at the end of the day. This is something he used to do with alarming regularity. I made a courtesy call for him once, ended up being shouted at by his furious customer, who had been expecting a call from him all day and refused to do it again next time he asked, sending him into a massive sulk.

After a couple of weeks, Pennywise swapped teams (and, more importantly, desks) with Jessica. This was a welcome change for me and those who sit nearby but not for poor the poor jester who has to sit next to him now.

The week before last, some of my fellow jesters noticed that he was closing a ridiculous number of complaints a day - a ridiculously large number. Pennywise works 8 hours a day. On one of those 8-hour days, he closed 24 complaints.

The usual method of closing a complaint is to telephone the customer, discuss the complaint, tell the customer what you are going to do to ensure it doesn’t happen again, offer a goodwill gesture, have the customer tell you it’s an insult and suggest a figure between 10 times and 100 times what you’ve suggested, haggle a bit, increase your offer and bring the customer round. You can’t close the complaint just then, though. You now have to request the cheque, e-mail various managers (to ensure it doesn’t happen again) and write a closure letter. When you’ve written your closure letter, you have to have it checked by your manager (this can sometimes take several hours). Then you go to the printer, shout “Printing!” at the top of your voice, put letterhead in the printer, print your letter, put it in an envelope with a FOS Leaflet, put it to be posted, go back to your computer, electronically attach the letter to the complaint and then AND ONLY THEN can you close the complaint.

Imagine doing that 24 times in one day. It is impossible.

I have never heard Pennywise shout “Printing!” since he’s been back at work. The jesters in his team do not believe that he has his letters checked. We know for a fact that he doesn’t ring his customers to discuss the complaint because his notes say he does not.

So, what is his manager doing about this? Absolutely nothing and it is infuriating but much, much worse, it is completely demoralising for the rest of the Department. Other jesters are having to speak to his furious customers when they ring back and some of his customers are refusing to speak to him. Some have written in to complain about him. You would think that his manager has more than enough ammunition but she seems either incapable of acting or unwilling.

So we are faced with various scenarios. Pennywise has photographs of our managers in compromising positions – unlikely in the extreme; he has them over a barrel because his doctor has diagnosed him with depression – more likely; or his inflated closure figures are making his manager look good and his team win all the incentives – highly likely. Very, very divisive indeed.

I don’t know what to do here. My instinct is to tell our Customer Service Manager when she gets back from her holiday and, if she does nothing, to go over her head. I think we do need to act but I really don’t know if we will.

Of course, the general frayed tempers are spilling into other areas now. I’m not going to blame it all on Pennywise, however: when you work in a complaints department, tempers are bound to get frayed from time to time: it’s an occupational hazard.

For instance, Mr Grumpy was speaking to a particularly unpleasant customer a couple of days ago, who eventually decided that he didn’t want to speak to Mr G anymore and asked to speak to a manager. There was only one manager in that day (out of 5 in the whole department) and she was unable to take the call. He then asked if a senior jester could take the call. I refused because I didn’t want to speak to the customer and so did another, leaving just one, who did speak to the customer. Mr Grumpy got even grumpier than usual (and I really don’t blame him) and moaned about the manager refusing to take the call and compared her unfavourably to his own manager who was absent.

His views were echoed by the jester who sits next to me. However, on the other side sits the poor lonely manager’s mother, who, understandably got very upset about this and defended her daughter vigorously. It looked like it could turn nasty for a while but good sense prevailed, explanations were offered and accepted and everything was smoothed over.

So things are more than a bit iffy in the Dark Satanic Mill at the moment. There is one way things could be got onto a more even keel, though. The best way, and I hate to say it, is to sack Pennywise.

Jester, Jessina and Ramadan

On Wednesday, Ramadan started. I used to think that Ramadan was simply about not eating between sunrise and sunset during the month. Not so! Last year, I found out from Jawad, a Muslim colleague, that he does not drink, not even plain water, between sunrise and sunset and I’ve since found out that smokers do not smoke and also dirty jokes and foul language have to stop.

Of course, non-Muslim Jesters continue to eat, drink, smoke, swear and tell rude jokes but I don’t think our Muslim colleagues are particularly unhappy about this. I sit next to Jessina and I get on particularly well with her so I decided just before Ramadan that I would have a support role this year. I have promised to keep my language clean and not to tell dirty jokes. I couldn’t promise to keep my thoughts pure, I think that would be an impossibility.

Jessina was delighted and so were some of our other Muslim colleagues. Then another suggested I try fasting for one day. Always game, I agreed and I have said I will fast on October 2nd, 3rd or 4th. I’ve chosen these dates because Mr Jester will be on lates that night and so will not get the opportunity to get annoyed with me and tell me I’m being silly. The sun will have set before he gets home so I can be there eating and drinking when he does.

This will be an interesting experience for me. I’m a very slim jester and have few reserves to fall back on (some of my Muslim colleagues try to lose weight during Ramadan and quite often they succeed). I also find it difficult to go five minutes between snacks without my stomach growling loudly. Also, I’m constantly drinking water. I drink cold and hot water. It’s just a foible of mine (except when I’ve had only 4 hours’ sleep the night before, then I drink coffee, coffee and more coffee).

I’ve already practised not using foul language and not telling dirty jokes and I have been generally successful. I’ve also been able to remind Jessina when she’s come out with the odd swear word. Jessina has been dressing rather soberly since Wednesday. She still looks stunning (she is one of the most beautiful girls I know) but just stunning in a more sober way.

I very nearly said something suggestive to Jessina yesterday and just stopped myself in time. She noticed my obvious distress and when she realised I was bursting to say something rude, she told me to tell Jehan, who is not fasting because she is pregnant, so not only is Jessina beautiful but she is considerate too.

Finally, Jessina and I had a great idea. We have decided that we should all bring in food for Eid. I’ve agreed to bake some Linzer Cookies (I’ve found this recipe online, which is the closest to the version I make but not the same), she is going to bake her chocolate cake and I know other Asian Jesters will bring in some absolutely fabulous food, including Jawad’s wife’s fantastic samboosas, which are the best I’ve ever tasted. We have e-mailed the suggestion that everybody brings in something home-made for Eid to our team manager, who has agreed in principle but has stressed that her only role will be to eat the food and not make it.

I have also made a mental note to get some cards for my colleagues to celebrate Eid.

I hope I’ve got this right:

Ramzaan Mubarak!